Finding A Beginning 2 (Alzheimer’s Took My Mother)

Alzheimer’s took my mother –

Finding A Beginning –

“She keeps ringing me up at all bloody hours & asking what fucking day it is, or is she coming over for dinner today, she won’t be coming here at all if she keeps that shit up, I’m knackered out by it” –

My father had been mentioning my mother’s strange behaviour over the previous few weeks, but even more strangely we did not give it a moment’s thought, a thought that something could be wrong, or that this was not normal, not the kind of behaviour our mother would usually present.

Although they had been separated for many years, my mother would routinely go across the road to my father’s house for dinner Tuesday, Friday & Sunday, religious in their habits, quite apt for Irish Catholics, it makes me sad to think how lost she must have become around that time, more so that we never really took any real notice. Our mother functioning whilst unable to know what day it was, frightening when I think now.

It gets worse, much worse –

This bit; I remember like it was yesterday, a Sunday morning my mother called me, even writing about that bloody phone call has jogged a memory, how I had to write my telephone number in my largest handwriting, on a massive oversized telephone with massive square numbers on it, how I had said I was going to block her number because she would constantly call at ridiculous times of the night with her madness, I really said that, wow, slightly more worrying how I began to believe her unbelievable stories – The phone rang; my mother

“Hello Christopher(only my mother calls me Christopher) I cannot turn the light off”

“Mam are you serious, it’s 1 in the morning”

“Oh, don’t worry I will leave it on”

“Have you tried the switch on the wall?”

“Where is it?”

“Is it the lamp that’s on or the bulb on the ceiling?”


“Well one has a plug on it behind your bed, and the other has a white switch on the wall. Can you see them”

“No, I can’t find it, don’t worry I will leave them on”

But by Christ I was worrying, like never before –

I think this was the very first time I had genuinely started to worry, amongst the exasperation of being woken AGAIN in the early hours, I told her I was on my way, yes, I would drive the twenty minutes to her warden aided home to turn her lights off, & classic Bridget when I got there, she told me to leave one light on –

She couldn’t explain why she had become unable to find something as simple as the light switch herself – “I forgot where it was” like a blindness of thought, just how do you forget how a light switch works? That kind of second nature functioning, I would learn that Alzheimer’s has many a cruel twist on her memory over the subsequent months & years.

These warning signs were not succinct, they were anything but, they were deafening when now I look back searching answers & an understanding of when it raised its ugly head, it’s all there, the evidence on a plate, maybe we were not hungry enough, why on earth did we not see it?

Later, the signs would become much greater, clear as crystal for all to see, critical moments – Wondering around the shopping precinct in the early hours in her night clothes unable to know where she was going, or where she lived although it was merely minutes away, not only the signs, but something far more brutal – clear reasons why we would reluctantly, without choice have to find her a safer place, the thing we always said we could never do, a care home.


Previous posts of our mothers story –

Alzheimer’s Took My Mother – Part 1




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Alzheimer’s Took My Mother

Alzheimer’s Took My Mother

I truly wish in this diary serialisation of my mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s that I could start at the very beginning, unfortunately there is no beginning, no defining moment where I can put my finger on a pivotal action, where I looked at her & quite properly assumed she had lost her mind, when the look that she always had in her eyes when we were children, childlike smile which would fill her whole face when she laughed disappeared and was replaced with a staring into open space, when she had become lost to us.

I had always intended to write/publish some sort of diary/journal that would one day consume me, today that day has arrived, in a week that would see us have medical confirmation & diagnosis that indeed my mother Bridget has Alzheimer’s, even though we had known and assumed for more than 3 years that this was the case.

Alzheimer’s is a cruel, horrible affliction it takes away spirit & emotions required for a person to exist, to properly function, I can only call it a disgusting disease as it spreads unabated, as it destructively dismantles all before it, however Alzheimer’s can also bring along some comedy gold, as much as it has made me cry, it has also made me and my sisters laugh out loud as Bridget has entertained us with such an abandon of social skills, we have begun to revel in some of the joy she has also shared with us through having Alzheimer’s. As much as I totally understand that some may find that crass and inappropriate it is how we feel as a family at times, our feelings are just that OURS.

My mother Bridget was born in Ireland – County Clare in 1930 & she will soon be 84 years young, she has 3 sons & 3 daughters, she herself would have 2 brothers & 1 sister, she lives in a warden aided old peoples complex on her own. I feel that is about enough of a flavour, the rest you can manufacture with your own poetic licence and amongst your own fragile minds.

Our objective is to bring a weekly diary, a few hundred words to share ours & Bridget’s journey, both good and bad, feel free to laugh, cry, applaud or just read & either keep your thoughts to yourself or share them within the blog or amongst social media.

My mother’s family over the years has become somewhat fragmented, in as much they could go for months with no contact, but like all good family/friends having an ability to pick up the baton from where it may have been ceremoniously dropped & run with it like nothing had ever been broken. It would mirror slightly my own relationship with her, as much as she has become distant through her illness in these last few years; I am closer to her today than I can ever remember.

Today has perhaps been the most difficult since Bridget started on her journey alongside her Alzheimer’s and as selfish as this may sound my own toughest of days. Her sister who herself had been ill would pass away in her sleep in the early hours of this morning, leaving me with the unenviable task of telling Bridget. Something that has to be planned with an accuracy & purpose, intent that she does not become further confused. One of the biggest things I have found with Alzheimer’s is that sufferers(Bridget) do not handle even the slightest of routine change very well, a change of curtains, a new TV or bedding, clothing…..The list goes on, my advice don’t bloody change anything.


Where my mother had gone for months and months not mentioning her sister, we were somehow this week conspired against by dark forces at play, when she would out of the blue start mentioning her sister Mary on what seemed like a daily/hourly basis, whilst in the background we were keeping the news away from her that her Mary would be close to death in her battle with cancer, a battle she would lose today.

I would have to choose the moment well, whilst giving us the opportunity to be with my mother after such news was broken – My father (they are separated) who we always take her to for her Sunday dinner would be at his most supportive (cantankerous) “She won’t have a clue anyway, but don’t ruin her dinner” #Laugh or #Cry or kill him, but two deaths in one day would perhaps be breaking the golden rule “Don’t change a bloody thing”.

I would get my mother’s attention, somewhat like an attentive child at school in the process of being read a story, uttering those words, those words that kill another’s spirit – To tell her that Mary had passed away, would make myself more sad than my mother, never forgetful that she is trapped in this cocoon where memories seldom leave & where there is no room for new memories or even moments. Sadness however even with Alzheimer’s cannot be masked, the eyes have it.

Within 5 minutes she was smiling at what I can only assume was the now fresh cream tart my father had given her, whilst momentarily repeating “She had a bad back, but she’s gone now” – At the same time my own heart sank and a little piece of me died.

For the past few days whenever Bridget has had visitors or her carers and they have asked about her week; she has had this notion/memory that on Tuesday (every day is Tuesday) she went out shopping where my sister took her around all the shops “we went in every shop” & knackered her out (her words) & then they had coffee(she only drinks tea) & cake, how she enjoyed it so much & wants to go again, one of the best days of her life – As much as this would sound like the most idyllic of days; the truth is somewhat different.

On Wednesday 14th May 2014 on a visit to the memory clinic my mother Bridget was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s my sister cried, and cried, and cried some more – The truth be known I don’t know if she has actually stopped crying, yes we have known for 3 years but to have that word used, the finality of that diagnosis, that hurts. My mother however remembers it differently – God bless her.


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Liverpool why Emre Can – Can not be captain.

After remaining unbeaten for 20 games & also 19 home fixtures Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool have tamely given up both long standing runs in surprising defeats to Swansea & West Bromwich Albion, agitating supporters, who are mindful of how such lapses have cost Liverpool key points in their pursuit of Champions League qualification & a long awaited trophy for the Klopp regime, leaving a nasty taste on losing consecutive games to the leagues bottom two teams.

The question remains unanswered regarding Klopp’s plan B when teams arrive in opposition to Liverpool’s open and attacking style with a solid and robust defensive structure, Klopp’s side look one dimensional when faced with such opposition tactics seem unable to fathom a way around or through –


The problem seemingly that wing backs or wingers seem scared to take the football around defenders & head for the goal line, they seem to always cross toward the keeper & not away from him & the goal where supporting players from midfield can get time to support the attack, instead everything happens in front of the opposing defenders, which enables them to defend their lines easily, this is a player problem & not a coaching issue, scared of losing the football, passing & moving has become everything with very little room for any individual play.

Many supporters are also unhappy with the Klopp use of captains, so we all know that other European coaches don’t buy our obsession with having one player as leader & captain of the ship, Klopp having become dismissive & in my opinion disrespectful of that little armband with the word CAPTAIN on it, it is one thing putting little importance on the role, but quite another to arrogantly throw the role around with such contempt –


Emre Can; a player who is currently signed up to footballs very own dating app “Last year of my contract” checking out suitors from around Europe –

Tall dark & handsome –

Can sometimes wonder in & out of games –

I can shoot from anywhere –

My passing is woeful at times –

If one pass will do, I will take 4 –

Favourite position is backwards, although I may accept a sideways pass –

I have been accused of being slow & cumbersome, my arrogance says I’m not –

Applications to Anfield Liverpool.

Why Klopp sees no problem with giving his fellow German the captains armband is itself problematic, someone clearly intent on looking for another bird, the Liver obviously not being enough to satisfy Emre, when a side is looking for a leader, a captain to steer it’s ship through choppy waters, he(Can) has not been that man – The two games when Can has been captain have become two of the worst performances this season, whilst we cannot level the blame for the defeats wholly with Emre Can, we can say we lacked a leader to lift us from the mire.

The history of Liverpool captains surely dictates that OUR captain has to have a certain amount of personality & qualities linked to that position, from players of standing Yeats, Smith, Hughes, Souness, Hansen & Gerrard forward to the modern era – Lovren, Mignolet & Can, it’s not on & needs addressing, players that are hardly competent in their own specialised position cannot be expected to encourage others in theirs.


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How To Handle The Story Idea That Is Not Meant To Be Written Straightaway #AmWriting #ASMSG


The story idea that is not meant to be written straightaway is a pesky little devil.

It will trick you, the writer, into thinking it is not worth pursuing and will let out a wicked laugh as you shelve the first few pages. As you walk away your naughty little story idea will blow a few raspberries and skip happily around the desk.

A lot of the time we give up on story ideas too quickly because they are not meant to be written straightaway.

Some story ideas enter your mind and allow you to write them simply using the bare bones of a plot or premise.

However some story ideas are a little bit wild. They need to live a little inside your head, in a notebook or a folder for days, weeks, months or in some cases years.

There are a couple of reasons why some story ideas…

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Lying Tory Terrorists

The Tory/BBC propaganda juggernaut aided & abetted by the right-wing press would have us all believe that there are no choices in the general election, strong & stable Thatcher spawn locking journalists in cupboards, unable to engage with anyone who possibly disagrees with her policies.

Strong & stable – my arse I have seen stronger & more stable furniture in Ikea, once chosen there will be no returns policy with the Tories or Mrs May, far from being sold as the opportunity for a generation with a vote for Corbyn & Labour, the pedalled lie; no alternative, same old, same old Tories supporting banker friends & multi-nationals chucking millions into the Tory pot with no actual care for the country & its citizens, more themselves & theirs.

May Fox

The right-wing call Corbyn “A terrorist sympathiser” whilst allowing May to symptomatically terrorise the poor, the disabled, the homeless, children going to school starving, their parents having to rely on food banks, the NHS where nurses are overworked, under-waged. They have terrorised young people into having to accept work in jobs with no hours or contracted hours at such a low rate they don’t know whether they have a day’s work from day to day. To top it off the bastards want to terrorise foxes, again, so their friends can dress up at the weekends blowing horns like toffs do.

They will ridicule a man that does not want to charge around other nations bombing them at will, a man that sees no benefit of killing children & poor people, rather to sit around a table & discuss alternatives, a man who does not want to sell arms & bombs to others in the name of profit, in the name of creating business for our very own British business, the Tories will tell you what an awful day it will be when we stop selling arms to the Saudis, they will tell you what a mad man Corbyn is for wanting peace & not wanting to be a warmonger, we’ve been here before, it does not end well.

The Tories are intent on bleeding the NHS to the point that it can be wholesale sold off to their banker friends & big business, they have no interest in saving the NHS, it does not suit the agenda of selling everything to the highest bidder(FRIENDS) – They have form, fattening up their own bank balances whilst dissolving all state owned industries in the pursuit of fuck all for this country & its people, the many have sat by & let that happen through the 80’s, 90’s & up to today, the reason there are no post-offices close to your gran or grandad, the reason Gaz & Leccy are out of fucking control; just imagine if they were both state owned, imagine being able to control prices.

All sold off – British Steel, British Rail, British Airways, British Telecom, Coal, Electric, Water, The Post Office & it goes on & unfortunately there is not much left to sell is there? NHS?

The poorest students in even more debt when they leave university after Tories scrap maintenance grants –

Cuts to disability payments(PIP) reducing the points within the points system for those unable to wash themselves, or going to the toilet unaided, so their payments were lowered or in some cases stopped all together, yes, they did this with a tory cabinet of 23 Millionaires taking an average of £30 off disabled people every week, yes they did this.

Austerity, transferring money taken from poor people to make rich people even richer, how come the top earners & richest people in the country have not been touched by austerity? Because it’s a con & lie, a falsehood to cover your eyes whilst they get even richer.

The institute of fiscal studies has said those who will be most hit by the Tory austerity agenda will be children, fucking children, from poor families, this alone should be reason to get rid of the Tory machine.

Food banks –

Social housing, or the lack of –

Big business dodging their tax responsibilities, being encouraged by the Tories & HMRC with their sweetheart deals –

I could go on forever with the disparity between the behaviour of this Tory regime & the “We are all in it together” jingoistic nonsense. If they have not come for you yet, you could be next, are you old, young, disabled, poor, small business or just a child from a poor family, Mrs May & her cohorts have no compulsion for fairness.


Jeremy Corbyn has an idea of a fairer society, where those at the top pay their share to allow those at the bottom to not have to go cap in hand to foodbanks, for children of poor families to not have to go to school under-nourished, to not starve people of their right to eat, to exist in a humane way.

An NHS funded only & direct from government, where the vultures sniffing around it’s corpse are kept at bay, where their wallets are not bulged on the back of the sick & infirm. Nurses paid a wage becoming of that profession, Doctors treated with a respect from its employer & not constantly undermined & undervalued.

A place where young people would now know how many hours they are employed to work in the upcoming week, where employers would not be able to force unreasonable working conditions on those unable to fight back for fairer & contracted work, a fair day’s work for a fair days pay.

Where Jeremy Corbyn, instead of jumping into wars at the drop of an American hat, would instead prefer to resolve issues prior to making such decisions as bombing the hell out of innocent people, where we don’t sell arms to others & turn a blind eye to their human rights abusers.

What is wrong with saving 4000 homes for rough sleepers whilst also building 100,000 homes through councils & associations, can people even remember council houses, you know for those that cannot afford private sector housing. Where housing benefit would be restored for those under 21 so young people end up as rough sleepers because they have no money for rent.

The Tories will tell you that the coalition of chaos won’t be able to afford any of those policies, but remember how quickly they(Tories) all found money for their banker friends when needed, remember how the national debt has gone up & up under the Tories, can they be trusted with your money – NO. The Labour manifesto looks to borrow £250bn over 10 years, but the Tories have just borrowed £700bn in the previous 7 years – Don’t allow them to sway you with their lies.

Too many people will sit back & allow personalities to decide this election or more to the point the media bias on Corbyn, the man has been vilified at every corner, lied about, painted black, but this is a principled man, a genuine man & an honest man & that for a society used to being cheated on by politicians is the problem – The public prefer a bad boy, or girl in this case.

This truly is the opportunity of a lifetime as many have called it – It is up to us all to take this opportunity, not for ourselves but for everyone.



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Liverpool FC Klopportunity Knocks

With the psyche of the modern fan it will always come down to managing expectations, a season where Chelsea have surpassed even their own expectations, a season that without such a run would see five teams within a win & a loss of each other, Liverpool are not doing so badly – More importantly the journey has begun.

Jürgen Klopp has done a great job both on & off the field at Liverpool & remains the key factor if we are to realise that title success, the best opportunity we have in a manager capable of achieving what all supporters want, but he needs that commodity which the modern fan ill affords a manager at a top club – Time.

Klopp is the best opportunity the club has had in a very long time to getting us to a sustained challenge over a block of years rather than the hit & miss we have become accustomed to, this man is courageous like no other since the glory days, blooding young players whilst dispensing with those who don’t show the same approach, gregarious & charismatic to extremes, why would we not want to follow him on what is the start of a journey.


Imagine another preseason with the addition of players schooled in the pressing mould that he demands, with one or two of the plethora of young players solidifying their futures by gate crashing this squad, we have already witnessed what can be achieved with 70% of a Jürgen Klopp squad & the closer he gets to 100% the better for us.

This is going to be no ordinary path & when he gets this shuddering train up to speed there will not be anything temporary about it, it won’t be bits & pieces of wins here & there. Jürgen Klopp operates on a completely different level, the peculiars of errant goalkeeping & wayward defending will become a thing of history, moody strikers moved on & replaced with 100% effort that supporters take to their hearts on the strength of their exertion & endeavour.

The acquisition of Klopp’s first piece of silver will only accelerate the process, we require new blood, with specific DNA pace & energy with a winning mentality, that combination will put Klopp & Liverpool closer than ever to winning the title, he has already proved what can be done with a few average players, & if his call on the goalkeeper situation had perhaps worked out better I think they would be within touching distance, we seriously need to acquire a top class keeper.

This season has become very important, imperative that we qualify for The Champions League if the success is to be hurried along, the media & others would have you believe that winning the Premier League is so much easier if you don’t have European football to entertain the players, when in fact only Blackburn & Leicester have managed Premier League realization whilst not playing in a European competition.

Liverpool are far from the finished article, supporters with any clear sense understand this, those that have positioned themselves on the Klopp train, enjoying the journey with a knowledge that when we get to top speed all the bumps will have been worth it, the trophy haul will be testament to it.


Anyone who doubts Klopp need only look at the after-match interview for the Swansea game, I’m not sure any Liverpool fan was more annoyed & angry than the manager, if Klopp can’t get these players focused in this type of match then nobody can & some of those players will clearly be on their way out.


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One Direction – The New Beatles

One Direction – The New Beatles

We can all reminisce to a time when suddenly everything changed, a moment, as overwhelmed we are consumed while controlled by music or musicians. Unaware of the affect it would have upon our lives, perhaps not until years later.

As a 13 year old I would stumble across a certain John Winston Lennon. I like many other kids of that age would find themselves in 1980 engrossed at the media furore and the world’s attentive disposition toward Lennon’s death. Overwhelmed does not really do those emotive feelings justice; my whole being would change one Friday afternoon during that December month in 1980.

Friday each week would be celebrated with a lunch time disco at my senior school. Entry would be confirmed by an ink stamp to the back of the hand with the school logo upon it, and 5p which would go to charity. This would be a place that had been electrified previously during the year by The Jam; Madness & The Specials whilst intertwined would be the odd piece of Kenny Rogers & his “Coward of The County” halcyon days. For a boy my age it meant everything, everything.

This particular Friday would become a defining moment. For the few days since the death of Lennon there would be a preoccupation from TV & radio and it would not deviate from its collective tale – The legend that was Lennon, The hero, The God. Alongside this would be Beatlemania flooded across all media, TV and newspapers would regurgitate constantly “The Fab Four”.  As significantly the message manifested itself I could not deny it, the truth was I did not want to, with my new found musical enthusiasm I would lap it up without question.

For a two minute period during that Friday disco I would experience a felling an emotion that would not be replicated from that moment forwards, as the “DJ” Mr Smith, who also happened to teach religious education would gently slip on a vinyl 45 toward the record deck, unaware of the mayhem which would in a moment swamp him and the school dinner hall.

I will never forget that intro, even if I had listened and heard it many times before – Today it would be the first time I truly understood, having witnessed its infectious nature  – “Oh yeah I…… tell you something I think you’ll understand……” The place would erupt with a crescendo of testosterone and with it the creation for 2 minutes and 25 seconds of our own extraordinary example of Beatlemania – Even now I still experience goose-bumps thinking of that day or rather those moments. The screams that would reverberate around that dark dingy hall, voices yet to be broken would pierce even less developed ear drums. A moment where all & everyone would collectively contribute, even the kid who would remain silent throughout the whole duration of his school years whilst assuming the role of the bullies victim – Yes even he would scream & shout without inference of pinching or punching.

I would never be without The Beatles in my life from that moment onwards – Hooked.

This would signal the very beginning of my journey toward adulthood. The time when decisions I would begin to make would be based on my own selfish fulfilments – I would be youth and the world would begin to engross me. Rather more so music would battle alongside football intent on my affection, for my part I would glean the realisation for a 13 year old, some things  are more important than family, friends or existence in this world itself.

The essence of my new heart and mind collaboration would be manufactured around a certain held belief, a philosophy that dictated that I alone truly understood my kinship with my music. It would sit rather unwell if others, namely my peers, could or would begin to have a similar comprehension – To be au fait with. God forbid that they would also “Get It”.

In musical terms, generally the law states you must assume that anything that may have been produced later than April 10th 1970 – Is somewhat inferior purely on the grounds that this date represents, again according to folklore the disbanding of “The Greatest Musical Band Ever” – The Beatles. And the World would never be the same again.

If our parental propaganda is to be believed, and a generation or more are to in some way give credence to a perpetually opinionated argument driven by those intent on giving their own youthful existence greater meaning. We must with white flags aloft, petrol in one hand & gas lighter in the other set in motion the preparation covenant like, the destruction of history itself post 1970.

Well to steal a still to be claimed quote “Nostalgia aint what it used to be” –

Clearly the distinction between what may be cool and what might give others the impression of a low standard of pleasure intake tends to be incredibly difficult to determine for many a teen – and so it continues to represent a difficult puzzle for each new generation. Hoodwinking however has become rather more succinct; add to this the inception of Cowell like musicality and it becomes ever more difficult to separate marketing malingering and showmanship from actual bona fide talent.


Today even 10 year olds have their own identity and minds, social media, computers & other forms within a technological world that leave this 40 something, dazed and confused – all add to a greater understanding and existence for the children of this day.

One Direction are entertainers at the height of their powers who seem to constantly come under both scrutiny and derision in equal amount, experiencing contumely at every juncture from adults and teens intent on lauding it over the less initiated.

The accusations, and there are many levelled at this clearly manufactured band, range from – puppets being strung along by the modern day Geppetto – Simon Cowell, they are lads unable to play musical instruments singing songs that are to quote those proficient in popular music – “Rubbish”. They are assumed to be lacking in the commodity of talent.

And that ma Lord is the evidence for the prosecution.

Why can we not just accept that young people enjoy and are indeed consumed by One Direction and their like? Has it really become so essential for young people to be derided purely because they enjoy something slightly less intellectual than the pompous saving the World Coldplay types that are lauded as respectable alternatives.

The day we become quintessential romantics, as we fall in love with that first band, album or song – It means everything, we will use up every ounce of our existence with our new addiction – These Directioners are no different, the Bieber fans feel what we all felt. The main difference between the decades seems to be the inception of Twitter & Facebook, giving these super-fans a greater voice to glorify their heroes as they pay homage at the altar of the internet Gods as they worship. Where we had Smash Hits and NME today’s music junkie can find his or her crack house online.

Let’s not forget that early on in their musical careers The Beatles would sing songs such as “I wanna hold your hand” “She loves you” and “From me to you” – If One Direction were churning out such lyrically challenged songs they would most definitely be ridiculed from the “Music Police” whilst threatened with imprisonment or death.

So the question remains – Are One Direction the new Beatles?

History will tell us the answer is No.

Their flavour of the month just happens to be incredible palatable right now. The fan base these huge stars have would prove that indeed the interest is significant enough to warrant a comparison – Is it really that relevant that older people disagree with their younger foes, surely this is how it should be.

Ok so it is rather an unfair question where the consequence of such an irrational argument will always receive condemnation from the masses. It becomes imprudent to compare – Weighed against the new breed of band is what can only be called Beatle Proof, where nothing and nobody can compare.

The most important thing for me is that my kids (I don’t have any) are not bullied because they fill their bedroom walls full of pictures of Harry, Niall, Zayn, Liam & Louis. Whilst endeavouring to fill their tiny minds with John, Paul George & Ringo. Instead the recognition that they are setting out on a journey & should be encouraged to travel alone in pursuit of their very own beat of the drum.

You pay’s your money – You takes your choice.

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